Existential Perfectionism and Regret

The Illusion of Perfection

Have you ever scrolled through social media and felt like your friends and acquaintances are living their best lives? Maybe you’ve seen a friend’s exotic vacation, a colleague’s new promotion, or a family member’s seemingly perfect family. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that everyone else has it all figured out, while you’re stuck with your own problems.

But the truth is, social media is a curated highlight reel. People often only share their best moments, hiding the struggles and imperfections that come with real life. In fact, studies have shown that the more time people spend on social media, the more likely they are to feel depressed and envious.

The Seven Illusions of Existential Perfectionism

In my book, Emotional Schema Therapy, I explore the concept of existential perfectionism. This way of thinking involves seven illusions about life:

1. I should have an ideal life, and I am entitled to be happy and fulfilled.
2. I cannot stand being frustrated. In fact, I shouldn’t be frustrated.
3. I demand that I get things my way.
4. I complain about things quite a lot.
5. I am often dissatisfied that things aren’t the way I want them to be.
6. I keep chasing after goals, and once I reach them, I want more. (Receding reference points)
7. I get disillusioned easily.

If you identify with these illusions, you may often feel unhappy or bitter. Comparing real-world outcomes to ideal fantasies will often lead you to regret the decisions you’ve made.

Breaking Free from Existential Perfectionism

So, how can you learn to live in the real world and give up your demands and expectations of existential perfectionism? The key is to shift your focus from perfection to flexibility. Frustration comes with the territory, and it’s okay to experience disappointment and setbacks.

Instead of striving for the perfect life, aim for being content with what you have. Focus on the present moment, rather than constantly striving for the next big thing. And remember, it’s okay to say “no” to things that don’t align with your values and priorities.

The Dangers of Receding Reference Points

When we demand more, we often set ourselves up for disappointment. We think that achieving a goal will bring us happiness, but once we reach it, we’re left feeling unfulfilled. This is because our sense of identity is tied to our accomplishments, rather than our values and character.

As the successful physician I mentioned earlier said, “I was in medical school with my friends, and we were sitting outside watching the ducks. I felt so peaceful.” It’s moments like these that remind us that true contentment comes from embracing what is, rather than constantly striving for more.

Conclusion

Existential perfectionism is a common trap that can lead to regret and dissatisfaction. By recognizing the seven illusions that underlie this way of thinking, you can begin to shift your focus from perfection to flexibility. Remember that it’s okay to experience frustration and disappointment, and that true contentment comes from embracing what is, rather than constantly striving for more.

FAQs

Q: What is existential perfectionism?
A: Existential perfectionism is a way of thinking that involves unrealistic expectations and demands for perfection in all areas of life.

Q: What are the seven illusions of existential perfectionism?
A: The seven illusions include the ideas that you should have an ideal life, that you should never be frustrated, that you should get everything you want, and that you should be constantly satisfied.

Q: How can I overcome existential perfectionism?
A: To overcome existential perfectionism, focus on being content with what you have, rather than constantly striving for more. Practice mindfulness and self-compassion, and remember that it’s okay to experience frustration and disappointment.

Q: Is it normal to feel unhappy or bitter if I identify with existential perfectionism?
A: Yes, it’s common to feel unhappy or bitter if you identify with existential perfectionism. However, recognizing the illusions that underlie this way of thinking can help you shift your focus to a more realistic and fulfilling approach to life.